I truly believe I am being tested. I have had nothing better to do the last few days but think of ways to get my son well and figure out how to settle my thoughts. Each day I go into Garrett's room thinking of how I can make his life better, make him happier, improve his quality of life, and get him back home again. I have to admit even though I am a Christian, I have never read the bible cover to cover (at one sitting). I have studied parts of the bible and I have read it although I read it in bits and pieces. Now I am trying to re-read various scriptures and really interpret the meaning. One of the verses that has stood out to me lately is Isaiah 53:5. I have read almost every verse I can find on healing and the power of faith and how to practice patience. The chaplains have been helping me also. I told my husband that if I have learned anything from this experience is it to have no regrets. I have discussed with James starting new family traditions, like taking a vacation each year and eating dinner every Sunday. A good sit down dinner where everyone eats and talks about what we are thankful for and how the day was. I think in our house we kinda got caught up in working chasing that dollar rather that working toward strengthening family ties.
Some of my favorite memories growing up are those when we all ate dinner together in the evening and my parents would ask how things were going and everyone would catch up on the day's events. That dinner was a time to reconnect with each other, too. I never realized until recently how important eating together as a family was to me until we all got grown up and my brother and sister and I moved out of my parents home. As we got older and started our own families, we only get together on holidays and at times that's a challenge getting us all together at the same time. I would love to start "family night" with my children because it was really important to me as a child. I know that I will tell people I love them more often than I used to. Time is precious and you never know when you might see them again. I think I will get in the habit of telling others how much they mean to me and how important they are in my life before it's too late.
My dad passed away last year, but I still miss him everyday. I know he's in a better place. If your parents are still alive, hug them and tell them you love them as much as you can. Daddy told me once that you should honor people while they are living, because it's too late when they are gone. I am going to try to live by his philosophy. I spent some time in the chapel today alone with God and my thoughts. It was nice to have some private quiet time to cry and pray. I decided today that I will no longer feel sorry for myself. I'm just going to take each day as it comes and pray for a good outcome. Someone told me once that worry is like praying to the devil. I'm gonna try to stop worrying so much. I will instead try to make things better and see what I can change.I mentioned to someone the possibility of me returning to work. A dear friend told me that work would be there whenever I was ready to go back, my children may not be. That kinda put things in perspective for me. I have spent a lot of time trying to give both of my kids the things I thought they wanted and I guess I've always believed you can have anything you want if you work hard enough, but I realize I can't get back time with them. I really hope to make some positive memories with my boys when Garrett heals, instead of leaving them with my mom or the sitter so I can go to work and earn money to buy more "stuff."
Garrett told me yesterday that he went to heaven while he was sick and he saw his pawpaw. He said he could hear me and his daddy talking to him while he was sick. He said his pawpaw told him he loves it in heaven and that he is doing ok. Garrett said he saw God. I said what did he look like? He said God is beautiful. He said his pawpaw told him he needed to come back to Earth because he could see that we were all sad. Garrett said he could see that we were sad that he was sick so he came back. I believe that Garrett did see God and heaven and his pawpaw. I think children are much more open minded to the "spiritual or supernatural" phenomenon than adults. When Garrett told me this story, my eyes welled up with tears. It was emotional for me listening to his story. Garrett was able to leave his hospital room and actually go outside for the first time since the accident. He was thrilled to see the outdoors. Gavin has an appointment for MRI to see how his abdominal tear is healing. Otherwise, Gavin is doing wonderful. He wears his brace and plays as usual. We are hopeful that both boys will make a full recovery.